Advice, Regained

Advice I intended to give at a wedding but then got emotional and sorta panicked

Photo by Photos by Lanty on Unsplash. This photo is not from the wedding I write about below. Just a nice foundational shot for a lead image.

I officiated my brother Domenic and his wife Bri’s beautiful wedding this past weekend. After they placed rings on each other’s fingers and before their first kiss as a married couple, I wanted to give them three pieces of advice. I failed to anticipate just how emotional I would be and after I gave the first piece of advice, I totally blanked. Needless to say, I was embarrassed. However, I reminded myself that the day wasn’t about me and that it was simply a blip on an otherwise perfect day.. Then I headed to the bar.  

I was mostly right. People came up to me afterwards asking about the final two pieces of advice, in jest. Some people told me that the unpredictable moment actually made the ceremony better. These attempts at mollifying my mortification were much appreciated.

Anyway, a large number of wedding attendees read Rhapsody (including one former boss who curiously said I write very well, but also that I’m wrong about everything?) so I figured, what the hell, I’ll share it here.

1. Focus more on understanding than on being understood.

The only way to truly be there for your partner is to genuinely try to understand their needs, wants, hopes, dreams, emotions and feelings. Understanding is a prerequisite for being supportive and helpful. Developing empathy for one another is the first and most important step toward developing compassion, and compassion is required for deepening the love between you both. 

2. Falling in love is overrated. Growing more deeply in love is underrated.

So many love stories end when the protagonists finally get together. All we’re told about the rest of their lives is that they lived “happily ever after,” as if it’s guaranteed. Yet whenever I hear from a couple who has been married for several decades, they say something like “We love each other more now than ever.” Cardinal John Henry Newman said, “Growth is the only evidence of life,” and so it is with marriage and relationships generally. Endeavor to experience new things together, continue to learn more about each other, and generally grow both as individuals and as a couple. 

3. Remember you’re a team, but you’re also still individuals.

As a married couple, you are now a single entity. This is an important and undeniable fact. You must work together and complement each other. You must support each other. But you are also still yourselves, and that can’t be set aside. It’s OK to have your own interests and passions. The best teams understand their commitment not just to the idea of the “team” but to each other. Just as all people require camaraderie and companionship, so do they require autonomy and a path to self-actualization. These things don’t have to be in conflict so long as you approach your relationship with empathy, trust, and compassion.